I don't want this blog to be superficially about my travels and my surface level experiences, but also to dive a little deeper; my feelings, struggles, and accomplishments. Whether I am feeling vulnerable, happy, challenged, scared, angry, or excited, you get the point.. I want to share it all. If you know me, or if you have never met me, hopefully it will give you some more insight, as it simultaneously gives me the opportunity to verbalize my thoughts and emotions and be real with you.
Where do we begin,
If you have ever seen a picture of me, you have probably seen me wearing sunglasses (And if you know me, you know I own many). If not sunglasses, I am most likely looking down or away from the camera. More times than not, this is the case. I never knew why most of my favorite pictures come to be ones where I am wearing sunglasses. I just thought it was more flattering, personally. Well, tonight I was editing some pictures and I came across this one (Left).
I looked at the picture and thought something was off. Looks confident? Looks like I know what I am doing? Well, look closer. After looking at this picture I looked closer at those eyes, my eyes. They looked scared. They looked naive. They look lost. My eyes? No, how?
Then I looked for more pictures. I found this one (Right).
No no, what's going on? I am this strong Leo, that doesn't take sh*t from anyone (especially people who tell her what to do) and who needs to prove herself to this world that is constantly trying to bring her down. That is me... or so I thought.
But looking at this picture I saw something that wasn't that. It was candid, genuine, and raw me, just my eyes. I did not see this power human that takes the defense on every piece of constructive criticism or advice given to her, just to prove something.
Scared, sensitive, but apprehensive eyes, waiting to be told what to do. Waiting to be lead in the right direction. These curious eyes put on this strong lion persona who thinks she knows what she is doing and knows what she wants. But inside is really just a little lion cub ready to understand, ready to grow, and ready to learn.
"The eye is the mirror of the soul." -Proverbs
Don't get me wrong, I enjoy taking pictures, but I think this is why I rarely look straight at the lens, or why I am usually wearing sunglasses. Maybe I am not ready to be vulnerable and to have that captured for the rest of time. The sunglasses make me feel like I am something I don't feel I am yet. Something I am trying to become but have not yet achieved. Tiny pieces of glass and plastic, that give me the chance to hide. Give me the chance to pretend to be the girl that someday I look to become... But for now, I think it is just fantasized.
"The eyes are the mirror of the soul... and reflect everything that seems to be hidden; and like a mirror, they also reflect the person looking into them." -Paolo Coelho
or is that just me staring back at me?